Days like This

I saw your new place for the first time today. There's a spare room, and if I had the opportunity I'd take it for you. You told me you missed me. You said I should come by more often. You kissed me like it was the first time.

And I told you to stop. I told you I'm seeing someone else.
Your expression for once was an open book. I could see for just that one split second, that you hurt. And for a tiny split second, I felt good. I could hurt you just as you  hurt me.

What I didn't say was how every second I spend flirting with other guys, every moment sitting across the table from the cute guy from the gas station or the quirky friend-of-a-friend, I sit there and imagine you. What would you think of him? What if you were here, what would you say?

How can I tell you that I want you back more than anything?

You said that whoever the lucky guy was, I'd make him the happiest he'll ever be.
All I can do is close my eyes to keep from screaming. If I'm the best thing that ever happened to you, why won't you just take me back?

I just hate how much my life revolves around you, and you're not even around. I can't wait to see you again.

I told you I missed you too.
What I didn't say is how I only go out with other guys to try and take my mind off of you. Unsuccessfully.

You're always telling me how perfect I am.

I'll never be perfect without you. Do you realize that it's been 6 months and 2 days since you broke up with me? Half a year, spent thinking of no one but you. That's not even counting the month we actually dated and the month before that we spent tiptoeing around our feelings, flirting and filled with excitement.

Everyone's probably asleep by now at your place, drunk or high or both, passed out on the couch.

You're probably still up, since working 3rd shift makes you nocturnal.
I wish I knew how to save myself.

From you. For you.

You walked me out to my car, down the three flights of stairs across the parking lot in Michigan December Weather. You never do that for anyone else.
Why me?

Why do you still insist on tearing me to shreds?

But at least for a little while, I'll smell like you.

wishing

i have to stop myself from typing "i love you" at the end of a message.

i have to stop thinking about you every minute of every day.

i have to keep smiling, and tricking myself into thinking other guys are better.

i have to gather up the courage to talk to the cute guy at the gas station, because maybe he can take my mind off of you.

i have to break it off with him.
forever.
for always.

but i'm afraid that missing you will hurt worse than waiting for you.

waiting for forever is a long time though.

Let Go

just when i thought things were getting better,
you turn up again.

i've decided, that at least for now, this is going to be a letter to you.
a giant, big fat letter to you.

so i saw you today,
and yeah my heart started pounding,
and yeah i might have held my breath,
but i never had to utter your name in disbelief.
i just got up and walked away.

and you know what?
i don't think anyone else could have cared less.
you don't mean that much to the world.
to me, you still might be the world,
but that doesn't mean jack shit to you anyway.

also, i think it is okay to fall for student teachers? he can't possibly be any more than 4 years older than me, so it's not too bad.

Or that other guy. You know, the tall, built blonde football player.
I think everyone swoons at him.
I can't help it.
he's so tall and sexy,
and my oh my, is that a man and not a boy. wow.

I hope Jake goes to prom. I really think he should.
and Cole will be there :)
at first i was sad to hear that he had another date.
but i suppose there's no basis to that jealousy so i just let it go.

just like  everything else.

dance

i like friends.
people who love you sometimes because of who you are and even more often in spite of it. they aren't obligated to love you like the strained bond of blood. family.
friends help you because they can.


i want to be this person to so many people.
i don't want to be the enemy.
i've never meant to hurt anyone.

i don't really want to.
physical hurt, that can be overcome.
playful words, in jest
these are words forgotten.

heart wounds never heal the same.
ask any doctor, they'll tell you so.


so i have my friends, and i hope they know that they have me.
for my one true goal in the world is to be a friend.
not much more,
not any less.
and the shallow desires i've possessed before,
i hope i outgrow them.
because when you feel that connection,
your heart's voice sings in a deafening tone,
everything else is drowned out,
there's no turning back.

i will not look for love.
if love is right for me,
it can come hunt me down.
i will look for the best of friends,
the new friends,
the new smiles,
new faces,
new laughs,
new sighs,
new bitten tongues,
new shuffling feet,
new yawns,
new hands,
new people, with truth and beauty.

we can bring down the world, with a machine-gun giggle and a bomb made of happiness.

i feel so motivated.
i want to do art,
i want to excel,
i want to ride,
i want to fly,
i want to work,
i want to acheive.

i thought i had forgotten what those words meant,
how the burning flame of initiative burns like the sun, not a candle.

freedom.

Get OUT

there are so many ways i hate you.
i hate how everything i see, every single day is still something i relate to you.
you're just so damn unforgettable, i can't get you out of my mind.
first love
i shared my rooftop with you, my stars. i shared my music with you, my smile. i gave you everything i had.
and more.
i threw away my pride for you.
my dignity.
i let you use me at your will
and i hadn't ever felt so good, but now it's catching up to me and i can't stand anymore.
you're still so ingrained in my being

i walked into Ms. Mo's room today, and my heart stopped.
you were there, next to me, and i felt like crying.
anything to hold you once more.

you've got everyone at your fingertips
and you don't even understand
you take it for granted, how these people love the image you portray.
and that's how i hate you.

i cried again today.
not just because i'm sad your gone,
but because i'm fucking pissed that you were ever here.

just leave.

Ruins

Fuck everything.
Anger takes over, when there's room left for forgiveness.
time and time again, over and over,
i've let you get away with killing me slowly.
there are so many places i wish i would have been than where i was when we met
i knew the second we set eyes on each other that we had something different

i recall this feeling happening before, in what seemed like a different life.
time passed, and now this pull returns.

i felt like i knew you already. like you and i were pieces of a puzzle, the final two.
a pairing meant to be savored, or thrown like paper into the flames.
watch the beauty of an image fall into place,
something truly extraordinary
that only lasted for a second.

now i understand that we were never meant to be

never.
it's such a harsh word, i don't think either of us fully understand the consequences of this term.
i fell so hard for you, and had myself half-convinced that i was getting over you.
i was lying again, obviously.

we had something so beautiful, i can barely explain it.
every day around you had fire, life, truth, air.
i felt great and whole and precious.
wanted.

now i feel like the dirt we tread upon without a second's thought.

you fucking asshole, i will never forget what you've done to me.
i let myself give you every ounce of forgiveness i could muster,
and i get absolutely nothing in return.
and now, there's nothing left but anger.
you were the best and worst thing to ever happen to me.
mediocrity is far better.
i hope you rot in hell.
(because i will be there with you)

Never before have I been more worried. Or scared. Or truly conflicted.
I wake up, check the calendar. You're still you, I'm still me.
And one plus one makes three, maybe.
Where did this go wrong?
Please, please don't let me down again.
I'm begging you, if this takes a turn for the worse, you're all I have.
No one else will understand.

But you're on the train, one-way ticket to get away
There's no stopping you now
I can't pretend to miss you
Staying strong is harder in the face of fear
Being happy is impossible when you're gone


---


You're set on leaving, I know I can't stop you.
There was a time when I thought even speaking to you would set me off
There was a time when seeing you was a thing of my dreams
Now you were in my life again
You still wanted me- I know.
This struggle inside your heart, it's tearing both of us to pieces.
It kills me to say it,
but I really hope you'll leave for good.
You'll become a memory to me, a past to pack away into the recesses of my mind
you won't mean the same thing
you'll be more, yet the fact that you're gone will be final
I'll have to move on
We both knew it was coming- love like this is the stuff of fairy tales
Not real life.

Wouldnt that be a lovely way to spend your birthday? Wondering if your exgirlfriend is pregnant?
Yeah right.

Music is Love

‪The Strokes feat Regina Spektor-Modern Girls‬‏ - YouTube

King of Mixed Signals

this isn't an "After"

this isn't what you want it to be.
this isn't what i want it to be.

you still want me, i know it. otherwise we wouldn't have our little arrangement.
yet you push me away,
you say you don't want it to be like this.
you say you can't go that far anymore, because there's still an attachment.
in plain english: you're still not over me
but you still let me leave.
and then you say you'll probably regret it later.
because we both still want each other.
we can't stand to be apart.
yet here we are, standing arm's length away.

nobody's willing to move

i don't want to let you see me like this
you can't know how you effect me

you embrace me, arms wrapped around me tightly
we share our goodbyes

you know what you've done.

you tell me to call you when i get home, so you can rest assured i made it home okay
you don't want to hurt me, i'm guessing
you don't want to mess it up,
you don't want me to have to deal with things like that

You don't realize what you've already done

i'm left here broken, heart blackened by the flame that used to burn
carrying baggage i'll never leave behind

i'm getting tired and i need somewhere to begin

and  i want to give you an ultimatum, i want to make you tell me straight, if you still want me or not. but i fear what will happen to me if you say i have to go. that will be a day i won't ever forget. time heals all wounds, except those that distance themselves from memories. this is a pain i feel in the simplest things.
and still, when you're near, i'm okay. you melt away my reality, and let me live in my fairytale.

it's getting easier. slowly but surely, it is becoming easier to separate myself and the love i feel from him. it's more like i'm in love with this idea, this figment of my memory, loving this person i know and used to have.
and now he's just around.
a nice little fling now and then.
i've forced myself to see him as just a person.
nothing more.
and it's getting easier. one day at a time.

After: Hate

Rent?!
you want me to pay you fucking RENT?
okay, mother.
have it your way.
i really thought we were getting over this,
getting to know each other better,
doing better.

i guess i'm wrong again.

and i guess i really just am an awful person.
unreliable
irresponsible
self-centered
bitchy
lazy
unmotivated
the list goes on.
and it's all true.
so why am i still here?
what do i have to offer the world?
nothing.
so why am i still here...

After: Love

“Any experience in love is a good one. It doesn’t matter if it works out, or if you were 12 or 18 or 30 or 60, what matters is that it happened. Each time you experience something like it, even if it isn’t love, but just dating – it is experience that will help you for the time you truly do fall in love. If you spend your high school days randomly dating guys, more power to you, when the guy you love comes along and you want him – you’ll know how to get his attention and how to fall in love safely. It sucks falling in love with someone and not knowing what to do about it. And even if you fall in love like I have and are hurt afterwards, just remember the good parts – I know that there are alot of sad bits, and that they will remain with me for a long time, but I know that the happy parts will last longer, and that I can live my life knowing that I have those happy parts still at rest in my heart.” ~Mr. Fox

After: reset button?

3 little words. not too bad right?

friends with benefits.

yeah, you're all groaning and shaking your heads. Never gonna read this blog again because the silly bitch can't say to no to her ex. oh well. i write this for me, unlike some. ( iwrotethisforyou.me )
but its good to feel loved.

so i'll take this while i can.

After: the letter

I've written this a million times in my head, maybe it will help a little if I put it down in words.

Dear Cody,
I never believed in love. That kind you read about in stories, two star-crossed lovers falling for each at first sight.
'Cause that's bullshit.
I met you, and you were pretty cool. Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future. You had a past, and I never held it against you. You, in turn, let me in. I was able to see myself better. I looked in the mirror each morning and saw a pretty face. I put on my clothes and felt great. Not imperfect or ugly, great.
I have no idea how you and your asshole "I'm better than everyone else" attitude managed that, but it's true.
This isn't a love story. This is a tale of two people, who weren't meant to be.
I understand if you don't want me back. Okay, I take that back. I don't understand at all- but if that's your choice then so be it, I  won't change your mind.
Life won't be quite the same for me without you in it.
And I'd do anything to have you back, if you'll have me. I'm desperate to feel whole again.
Love,
Jaci

After: day 28

you've got me all tied up in knots.
you tell me you regret it, you really really do.
and what am i supposed to say to that?

-waking up on the couch again, bedrooms haunt me now
reflections in a dormant television,
hair soft and messy, eyes red from everything to do with you
in those glimmering last seconds of dreamstate,
i can almost see you shuffle down the hall towards me,
a yawn and a smile, words can never say hello so well
my head's still spinning, sick can't even describe
you'd tell me i'm beautiful anyway
for once i'd believe you
blink, and the dreams are gone.
you're gone.
i'm gone, wasting away without you-

i keep telling myself that i'd do anything to get you back- because i know that's truth
i keep telling myself i'm getting over you- because i'm still trying to convince myself
i keep waiting for the call that will save me from myself- knowing it will never come
i keep wishing you'll be mine again- wishing because i refuse to give up hope

I'm sitting in the little room 
watching you pretend that you don't love me like you used to
I can see the lies inside your eyes, I cry 
cause I can't forget all the things that we've been through

When the walls come crumbling down
Dust replaces the magic that we found

What if I told you that once I leave I let go
Would you believe that I am stronger than you know

You wished it away now I can't stay

Remember in the little room 
the time we thought we had something special no one else had
Well I don't understand how something so good, 
something so good can turn out so bad

I know it hurts you even though you can't show it
I had to knock you down or I would have never known it

You wished it away now I can't stay

I miss you
I hate the way you've made me hate you
You couldn't say "stay" 
Why can't I move on?


if i were to ask just once more, to take it back, would you listen?
if i asked just once, to try
just once, let a second chance take you by surprise
let me take you back
let me live- because without you i don't know what breathing means

After: the day I gave in

i'd walk a thousand miles, fly higher than the clouds, swim across the ocean, or stay away forever, if only you told me to. but no matter how far away we stay, i'll never forget you.

After: day 17

i like forgetting sunscreen the way i like flirting with you.
burning skin, like burning hearts, hurt well.

After: day 16

i was just thinking, about how for that whole day saturday, i was able to forget. and it wasn't hard with him around. we laughed and smiled and had the time of our life. sure, there's an age difference. what does that matter anyway? it's just a number.

sometimes i guess you don't need a lover or a novelty, you just need a friend. a new face, new voice, new cologne lingering on his clothes. and just like that, i smile. who knew that the one i loved the most would be the easiest to get over? i can't believe i'm saying it, but it's oddly true.

the more i love him, the more i know he'll be better without me.

After: day 11

you were the beautiful beginning to my unfortunate end.

please, i've been begging for an epilogue.

i would love nothing more, than to be with you again. even for only one day, hour, minute- it would be the best of my life.

but the truth is, [and what scares me most] that i am probably kind of most likely getting over you. and i can't stand the idea of such a thing. you were my world. were....

After: day 10

I promise that I won't forget you 
These photographs remind me of more than a beautiful face 
I swear the pictures of us 
Won't lay around the table collecting dust 
I hold them close enough to feel your touch 

The seasons may change but your colors won't fade to gray 
My feelings will stay the same 

When tomorrow means goodbye 
I'll hope that you'll hold on to yesterday 
When tomorrow comes don't cry 
Let the memories we share survive the pain 

I promise that I won't regret you 
Everything that I have is yours to take away 
No I'm not bitter just frustrated 
By the miles that could separate us 
Along the roads we take to readjust 

The distance may change but if tomorrow comes and takes you away 
my feelings will stay the same 

When tomorrow means goodbye 
I'll hope that you'll hold onto yesterday 
When tomorrow comes don't cry 
Let the memories we share survive the pain 

Always remember that I'm not far away 
And if tomorrow takes you away 
My feelings will stay the same 

When tomorrow means goodbye 
I'll hope that you'll hold onto yesterday 
When tomorrow comes don't cry 
Let the memories we share survive the pain 

When tomorrow means goodbye 
I'll hope that you'll hold onto yesterday 
When tomorrow comes don't cry 
Hold on... 

After: day 7

a week. a week of everything horrible.

i really am the worst person i know, aren't i?

i'm too scared of responsibility to even hold a job.

i'm too scared of my parents to let them near me.

i'm too scared of outside chances to tell the truth.

i'm just a big fucking coward.

no wonder he left me.

but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

and everything i've ever dreamed of, will have to stay in my dreams.

the real world is too difficult to handle.

and i just want to give up.

it's not that hard to drive into the opposite lane on the highway.

it's not that hard to swallow all the pills.

it's not that hard to pull the trigger.

and go into the dark, one last time.

After: day 5

this is me, fulfilling me temporary requirement for sad/bad poetry:

A hundred and two days, pick yourself up after you fall
Three months left, deadlines draw near
imagine: only a hundred-two days to familiarize
commit to the features
make up more lies
Fourteen weeks, there isn't much to go
lifetimes can live inside memories
don't forget me this time
wasted moments mean everything
live life in between
every day spent wishing for day a hundred and three

--

Tell me, are you thinking,

that everything is done as far we go?

And if you have a minute,

please just don't let me go.

Is there something I missed,

let's talk about it somewhere only we know?

This could be the end of everything

So why don't we go,

somewhere only we know?

--

moments between

i live for those moments,

however brief they may be,

the ones in between

you not being near me

-----------

and a nice little snippet

"You probably knew me by then.

That I would do anything in a heartbeat.

That I was ready for the late nights and the tears and the failed attempts only to

try and try again until everything was finally ok.

You only had to climb back in.

I wanted to scream, to shout, to ask you why and where and who and when, but most of all hold you tight, a shield from all the heartache.

Giving peace and destroying pain in one single surge of emotion completely dedicated to you.

But instead I just nodded, my lips tightened, imitating yours.

A strange thing happened then.

I half expected you to look up at me and explain it all.

Indecision, maybe, flashed through your mind.

However fate prevailed and you walked off.

Turning the corner of the building without another word.

I knew that I would never see you again.

And it was awhile before I would be ok with that."

and now a lovely little thing of beauty

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7z0-3X_-pBY&feature=player_embedded#at=20

After: day 3

it has never hurt so much.

i've never wanted anything more in my life.

what happens,

when someone finds their love,

and they don't stay together?

this.

everything reminds me of you.

you're inescapable.

do you even understand?

dead

nothing can save me now.

I'm a picture without a frame.
A poem without a rhyme.
A car with three wheels.
A sun without fire.
I am a gun without bullets.
I am the truth without someone to hear it.
I am a feeling without someone to feel it.
This is who I am.
A mess without you.
Something beautiful with you.

you were a dream

then a reality

now a memory

Just say goodbye. You can say it when you get up from the couch. You can say it at the door. I will say it when you get to your car. I'll scream it as you drive away.

the space between

You are the silence between the notes. The white space between the letters. The missing that makes everything else, a something.

And so, I wait because you have already left and my work here, is done. I wait and wonder how my skin feels like it’s made of love letters written a hundred years too soon (too late). I wonder at the mystery of life and how much of it can possibly remain. I wonder at pain and hurt and love and time and how much of each I held. I wonder at how I cannot remember anything in my life before I met you. I wonder at the tiniest of touches and try, desperately, to keep their memories alive. I wonder at loneliness. I wonder at how long it’ll be, before I see you again. I wait. And I wonder.

Some will make a moment feel like forever. But the people who really change your life are the ones that make forever, feel like a moment.

missing

I don't know what's going on with you.

And I'm not going to barge into your life enough and ask.

You'll tell me if you want.

and either way, i will be okay.

i will tell myself to be okay even if i'm not.

i will shut out the world and be O.K.

even if i'm really not.

and i hope i will get to see you soon. it's our one-month tomorrow. i will celebrate, most likely alone. with my own little self, a box of old photographs and tears for the memories, a bottle of vodka. i'll drink your glass for you, it's rude to leave a full glass untouched.

and i'll close my eyes and the world might stop for just a second if i hold my breath just right, but even if it doesn't, there will still be that light moment where i can almost feel you sitting next to me, and that will have been enough.

http://www.iwrotethisforyou.me/2010/02/forgotten-star.html

addiction

"I don't know. I used to be able to justify it. at school, i was so stressed.. but now, i'm just letting myself. i'm not even reasoning it. truth is, i wanna burn. so bad, but those scars don't fade quick at all. cuts, on the other hand, you can barely see mine from during school. and they're totally different feelings and releases. and it's hard to explain, and i'm sure even worse to understand, but there's just something so addicting about it"

"someday, somewhere, someone will find a cure for any and all addictions. and they will be tracked down and killed and their precious cure lost forever, for otherwise we will have lost the art of being human.

And so we must cling to what defines us as people, not what people define us by."

"let's not lose the art of being human"

"Come on,

We've only got time to lose."

There are a few small things i'd like to tell you.

not really open for discusison.

just statements, really.

i suffer. from insecurity and depression and lying and wanting and basically just being very... human. i suffer and i know it and i cannot help it one bit. i'm sorry if i ever have or will inconvenience you.

sometimes i wonder why people like me at all. many times i wonder why i am the way i am and why i never seem to change. i often wonder if i wonder too much.

also, i am in love with you.

that's all.

Missin you is like no other
i wish i knew you felt the same
i love where i am
and i know where i've been
and i want to be home with you

maryland

pablo of maryland-

i greet you!

we chatted for, how long, 3 hours? must have been close.

you seem pretty cool to me.

glad for the honest email exchange!

i hope we can be email friends.

a lot.

and i'll get myself a webcam and i'll get a skype and ta-da! life will be wonderful.

Also, i was buggered into visiting my ex today. he's such an ass, i never should have gone. but i did, and i cant change that now. and then you called, at just the wrong time, and he had to go and be an ass about it, and now i can't even believe myself. i just wish and hope on every star that you'll help me forgive and forget and we'll both move on because even though i haven't said it yet, i love you and i can't imagine life without you.

please.

Everytime my phone rings, I'm secretly hoping it's you.
i dont wanna hold you away from your life, i want you to take me whenever you please.

insecure

i'm horrifically insecure,

but you let me hope.

help me love.

violent me

you're ex isn't over you.

i know exactly how she feels.

you treated her like absolute SHIT,

and she still likes you.

i'm scared.

she's obviously better than me,

and you did THAT to her.

and i don't know what to think.

i've made my share of mistakes, indeed.

so yeah, i deserve a little bit of hell in my life.

but i'm weak.

i can't take it.

but i still want you so much,

i want to forget these things i now know

i want to swim in sweet ignorant bliss,

i want to forgive you.

i want you to forgive yourself,

but still learn from your mistake.

i want to trust you so badly.

i want you so badly.

i need you.

shit, i'm crying already.

i had really hoped i might make it another hour.

sob yourself to sleep,

tear-stained pillowcase

she is so beautiful

how could you?

how could you hurt her like that?

would you ever do that to me too?

i'm so scared

i fell hard for mike, and i'm still not over him entirely

but you, you helped. before you even decided to choose me,

you had already helped me forget a very, very low time in my life

and now you're all mine but i still have doubts.

am i just another toy to you?

am i just a pretty little thing?

just a fuck friend?

arm candy?

WHAT AM I?

i am broken.

you've got all the pieces.

if you fuck it up,

i'm gone.

gone for good.

please stay.

i need you,

more than you or i even know.

god, i'm just so fucking scared.

how could i let myself do this?!

why did i let myself fall?

i told myself i'd never love like that,

but here we are

i want to give up

baby please.

try to understand,

how much i need this.

two weeks after i met you,

i almost killed myself.

because of you, in a very small way.

and you didn't even KNOW me then.

now you've got me where you want me and i'm hopeless

can't break free.

save me.

---

One thousand miles away, there's nothing left to say
But so much left that I don't know
We never had a choice, this world is too much noise
It takes me under, it takes me under once again

I don't hate you
I don't hate you, no

So tell me now if this ain't love then how do we get out?
'Cause I don't know

That's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
That's when I told her I love you girl
But I'm not the answer for the questions that you still have, oh, oh

I don't hate you

ready

Just another brick in this goddamn wall. | Points North

You've made more than your share of mistakes,

I've made a few of my own.

You seem nice enough,

but I've heard what they say.

I'm not one to judge,

So I'm all for loving you.

And you don't have to promise that you won't be an ass.

You don't have to swear that you'll be perfect.

You don't have to change everything for me.

'Cause you know at some point it'll backfire.

You don't need to treat me like an angel,

Even though I'm fragile,

I can take a hit.

And if you wanna be mean and rude and break my heart,

I'll do my best to give you hell.

I'll take everything you throw at me,

'Cause I want you that badly.

I just need you to know that you don't have to perfect,

But don't expect me to be perfect either.

I'm more innocent than I seem,

I've got a heart that's already been broken,

And I almost don't want to be with you,

To try and save the last little pieces before you take them.

But it's too late for that.

You've seen what you needed to in the world, and maybe a little bit more.

Let me show you what it's like to be innocent again.

questions

you say that i'm perfect, at least to you.

always saying how i'm just right, our hands fitting together with ease.

comparatively perfect height, eyes like stormy seas.

you're too good for me, i know.

so far out of my league, i feel like i barely know you.

but i'm falling for you just the same.

you've made your share of mistakes,

and i've told my share of lies.

i want you to want me so badly.

i can't imagine life without you.

i just want to be near you whenever i can.

i love it when you call just to hear my voice.

my heart skips a beat every time i see you, every time i imagine that you're near. you drive me crazy, and i just want you to hold me and love me the way i love you. i want you so badly, but i know you're too good for me. i just can't stand the thought of you being held back by me. go and see the world, and tell me about it when you return. don't let me restrict you, don't fool yourself into loving me. but if it's true that you feel just how i do, then please, by all means, stick around. but just know that you're so much better than me, and i feel intimidated. i want to live up to anything you've ever dreamed of. i want to be the one, that little voice of reason in your head.

will you love me?

will you forgive me?

will you listen?

can i love you?

are you happy?

will you be happy for a while?

is there ANYTHING i can do for you?

how can i hold on to you without holding you back?

can i be yours?

can you be mine?

can we ever belong?

i'm comfortable with you.

busted

YouTube - Every Avenue - Tell Me I'm A Wreck

Your voice has always made my heart stop, and I'm sure it always will.

I hope we will have forever to figure out if I'm right.

But in the end, I'll do anything to keep you happy.

I want you to be my everything and more.

Let me in, and I'll show you a love like you've never seen before.

falling

“There comes a point when you just love someone. Not because they’re good, or bad, or anything really. You just love them. It doesn’t mean you’ll be together forever. It doesn’t mean you won’t hurt each other. It just mean you love them. Sometimes in spite of who they are, and sometimes because of who they are. And you know that they love you, sometimes because of who you are, and sometimes in spite of it.” ~Laurell K. Hamilton (Incubus Dreams)

juggle the reasons

date night.

and you steal me over again.

piece by piece,

slowly slipping from my own grasp into yours.

you've got me

and i'm scared.

if you ever leave me now,

i'll be gone.

even if i'm still alive,

[which i probably won't be]

i'll be gone if you are

i can't help but fear,

it's all i've ever known.

i just need you here

you dont need to be talking to me

or even paying attention,

let alone care,

just let me be near you.

keep it

you make me love you. you make me smile.

and i can't help but fall in love with you.

and i know you feel the same :]

we're both stuck in lives we didn't want at first,

making the best of what we have,

trying our best to be who we want to be,

and still what every one else wants to see.

both made bad decisions, both had some lies,

both ready to give it all up under starry skies.

it's nice to be a kid again,

and still be falling in love.

i can be around you and feel completely uninhibited,

like i'll never have to lie again.

you change everything.

and i'm so incredibly glad you finally made it clear.

boyfriend.

i can't wait for life.

instead of waiting for death.

not without you

It’s another lazy Sunday afternoon,

The breeze picks up, clean spring air

I’m alone again, ever lost in hoping

Clouds roll in, you can almost smell the rain

I think of you, eyes closed

Skin shivers in the mist, skin prickling with a chill

Remembering your touch, so gentle to me

The call of nature, spark of light

Later when the thunder rolls strong,

Feel the power in my bones, shaken to the core

Wanting to go back, just to dance into the moonlight one more time

My heart races, breath caught in my throat, straining to see

You’re home

one hundred words, one hundred ways i want you

it's time

originally found here: You never know when… | Points North

You never know when…

I sit beside your feet tonight, hoping to sit inside your dreams tonight. I look at you and somehow make you smile. All the while your arms are in mine and the stars are circling overhead in time and somehow we’re still smiling away I find. So kiss me once I’ll kiss you back. Leave me once and I’ll track you through the night till sunrise. Then somehow it will be alright just you and me sitting side by side. Waiting for the other to fall asleep just so that they could keep watch until day turned to night. And since neither would budge a bit we ended up talking through all of it and we missed the day but ended up not missing anything at all. And that is what happens when I meets You and smiles help carry us through until nothing is left but tenderness for the other. So read me now darling dear, I want you to know so very clear, it’s your heart I want above any other. Yours will be mine and mine will be yours until we have nothing left but each other. With this love comes smiles and hugs and happiness with all of the above, so please make my wish come true. Simply because it’s time I said I love you.

read me like a book

i'm so sorry you had to work late last night,

but wasn't my arrival a pleasant surprise?

i thought so.

and we held hands in the parking lot,

whispering to each other like old friends.

[there isn't a word yet, to describe old friends who've just met]

and it just hit me,

that now i am simply happy.

and i never really noticed i was sad.

i don't mind that you were late,

not at all.

it was still time spent with you.

i just melt, with your hands on mine

fingers circling on my shoulder,

drive me crazy

my head on your shoulder

my hand across your chest

you kiss my cheek

my lips on yours

teeth on skin

your hand on my hair,

i'm clutching you closer

tongues dancing,

we feel alive

and later when you had to leave,

one last press of your lips to mine,

and i died

i died and i am living forever with you.

and i'm not gonna say it first,

but in case you wanted to know,

i fell in love with you

i don't know when or where or just quite why,

but it's true

i'm falling fast for you

-----

You’ve, got me caught in all this mess.
I guess, we can blame it on the rain.
My pain is knowing I can’t have you,
I can’t have you.

Tell me does she, look at you the way I do,
Try to understand the words you say,
and the way you move.
Does she get the same big rush,
When you go in for a hug and your cheeks brush?
Tell me am I crazy, or is this more than a crush?
Hey.

I catch my breath,
The one you took the moment you entered the room.
My heart it breaks at the thought of her holding you.

Does she look at you the way I do,
Try to understand the words you say,
And the way you move.
Does she get the same big rush,
When you go in for a hug and your cheeks brush?
Tell me am I crazy, or is this more then a crush?
Is it more than a crush?

Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah.
Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah.

(Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah.)
Maybe I’m alone in this,
But I find peace in solitude knowing,
(Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah.)
If I had but just one kiss this whole room,
Would be glowing.
(Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah.)
We’d be glowing,
We’d be glowing.
Ey.

Does she?
Tell me does she look at you the way I do,
Try to understand the words you say,
and the way you move.
Does she get the same big rush,
When you go in for a hug and your cheeks brush?
Tell me am I crazy, or is this more then a crush?

More than a crush.

short post!

So, this is pretty much just me telling the whole wide world how much I loved last night.

The dinner was amazing.

And after when we were just walking around,

I couldn't think of anywhere else I'd have rather been.

Not even remotely.

And later that night, when we had to say goodbye,

and we held each other like we'd never let go.

i kissed your cheek.

and i swear we were infinite.

But alas, today was your last day of school.

Along many other of my best friends.

I will miss you all, so very much.

And I am so very glad that you didn't leave.

I'm glad you couldn't say goodbye.

all about us

YouTube - All About Us - HE IS WE

oh no, what is it you see?

whoa oh, what do you think it means?

it that all?

is this all?

you stand by her

and i'm left with me

i'm giving up the only thing i could believe

was ever mine

whoa oh, what does it mean?

when you're left without her

and i've still got just me

what happens now?

everyone is waiting for something

do you even remember me?

'Cause all i ever think about is you

whoa oh, what does it mean?

when you're around her and then you see me

and you feel like coming home

whoa oh, what does it mean?

when time stops just for us

and you know you've found

what you were lookin' for.

and you just can't wait

no, now you'll never wait

to come home

so come home to me

you

wish granted? this never happens.

at least not usually.

especially for me.

but he is not moving to Louisiana!

and he is taking me on a date later this week!

which will prove tricky to do.

since his day off is thursday.

and this is also my meeting day.

which i have missed the past 2 weeks.

and mother will unhappy if i skip again.

but come on now, a date with him? finally? please dear god, let this one work out?

i may be asking too much, since he's not leaving after all, but while we're on this good streak, let's just keep it going.

please?

never ever

the world lacks down-to-earth people.

and those who are as such,

are often unable to spread their wings and fly.

what would you rather do; be able to see a few things as they are, or see a million things in any way you wish?

--

i hope so much that this all going to disappear. i don't want to tell him goodbye. it isn't in me.

i'm suicidal for him.

i hope he feels the same.

utter heartbreak

fuck.

goddammit, Cody. i was fucking head over heels for you. trying with every given moment to spend more time with you. trying to win you over half as much as you've captured me. and you don't even realize it. and now i have to hear from someone else that you're moving away for good in 3 weeks?

right on prom night?

the very same prom that i went to with a date that i hate just to make a friend happy. the very same prom i wish i could have been with you for. and i fell for every little thing you did. your smile, the hugs and the laughter, the sweet little chats, flirting just for fun. and you're crazy, and a little bit hard to handle at times, but i swear you're perfect for me. and now my heart's half broken because you're gonna leave me here.

and you haven't even told me yet.

and now i have to keep on going pretending that everything's still okay because i'm not supposed to know about it yet. and i thought we'd have all summer, and you promised me we'd hang out and go places and now we only have 3 weeks. and you act like it's all okay.

like i'm not in love with you.

like i wouldn't have done anything for you to have kissed me last night. and i have to tell you all of this. because i fucking will not let you leave without at least knowing this. and i'm still dying inside. part of it hasn't hit me yet, the fact that you won't be around. and i don't know what i'm going to do.

i can't promise anything,

'cause i know i'm gonna do stupid things to try and get over you. and they won't work. i nearly killed myself when you stopped talking to me a short while back, but you were still around and present. and now... now everything's changing and i can't hold on anymore. i need you. without you here i think i might as well just wither away and hope one day i might see you again.

just once more.

and i will hope and dream that before you leave, you understand how i feel about you. and that you maybe will at least feel bad for me, if not the same. and that you might leave me with at least a kiss. and i will never want to love again.

i can feel a hole ripping open inside of me. the empty feeling. and what hurts the worst is knowing that this is only the beginning, because after you leave, i will die. i will from the inside out and become a broken shell of a girl that wants nothing more than you and your friendship. nothing more. nothing.

i still can't fucking believe it. you're gonna be gone. and not gone like the last one, 'cause he's still around and sometimes i see his car and let slip a sad smile, but this is different. you're going to be gone for good. and that means i will break more than before, and i will snap. i will snap and leave the world with nothing but a memory of me.

but if you're going to happy away from here, i suppose it's okay. as long as you're happy, i keep on a pretty face and trudge on. 'cause i'm not gonna be selfish and wish you all my pain just so you'll remember me. even though it would be nice, i won't be selfish just for you. 'cause in my eyes, you're worth it. i never thought you'd be the guy for me, but it wasn't long before i realized that it almost couldn't be anyone else. because quite frankly, you are beautiful. you are beautiful on the inside and out. each flaw makes you shine with a light some people can't see. each little thing you hate about yourself only makes me want you more. and i hate it. i hate how you make me love you without even trying.

and you don't even have the guts to tell me yet.

i still need you. please

--

because when you put your arms around me, i'm home.

--

i know i can’t take one more step towards you
cause all thats waiting is regret
don’t you know i’m not your ghost anymore
you lost the love i loved the most
i learned to live, half alive

--

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky
'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
If I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

other drugs

i can't fucking stand you,

and how beautifully imperfect you are.

each blemish is a fleck of gold,

each flaw a map to heaven.

i could read your fears forever,

and hold you when you see them.

each touch is like a wake-up call,

and now i never want to sleep.

--

i may not believe in love, but i believe in loving you.

so get back here, and let me kiss you.

--

i had a dream.

and then i woke up crying.

because in was in that back room,

and the scene played out again.

it was just like it happened in real life,

except i actually had the nerve to act.

you were telling me how amazing i am

and we were all alone

so i kissed you.

short and sweet, and on the lips.

and i think you smiled at me.

and then i was scared.

afraid you;d never talk to me again.

afraid this would change everything.

so i woke up, already in tears.

plans

i was going to give him a shot.

truly, i was.

but you came over, you said he isn't right.

at least not quite right for me.

and i know what you meant,

you meant that you would be better.

i dare you to prove it.

prove it to me.

i can't even explain how much i want it to be you hugging me before class, kissing me goodbye, talking to me every chance you get, taking me to prom, the one who's always on your mind. i only let him do it because i'm too broken to say no. but you are my duct tape, you could put me back together if you so desired. please fix me. every little thing you do is amplified to me, each little touch is electrifying, an embrace is like a little promise that you'll still talk to me tomorrow. i can't stand that i let someone else near me, and that you and him don't get along. and i'm also still in love with your best friend. not petty little lusting, not a high-school crush, love. i can picture him in my life forever, and i can't imagine life without him. everything's okay when he'a around, and nothing's fine when he isn't. but he's in love with another girl, and i sure as hell don't wanna get in the way of that.

because there's still you to hope for. i know you don't really "date", and i quite frankly don't give a damn. we can be friends, we can be best friends, we can be acquaintances, we can be besties with benefits. i don't care. just don't leave. i want you.

and you tell me i'm amazing every day, and as much as i love to hear you say it, i need you to stop. because i know you don't mean it the way my heart takes it. i know it doesn't mean a thing, and so i need to stop getting my hopes up. because if i fall again, there's no telling when, if ever, i manage to get back up.

and i want you.

i haven't really gotten it figured out past that.

candy

and when you kiss me, i melt.

I imagine I looked the same way when you kissed me last night. I died. You walked me to my cab and kissed me on the mouth, and I died.

I died and I am living forever.

or at least this is how i imagine it will be. because when he kisses me, all i can do is think of you.

every time

My Cardboard Life - Doctor Bandaid’s Heart

if only.

days

i just had a really great day!

i got to school on time,

i had a nice time in my morning classes with substitute teachers,

i got some productive art done in my painting class,

i had a lovely sandwich at lunch,

i got a chocolate frosty from Ed,

i messed around in 6th hour,

i had a great time with Seven,

i hung out with so many awesome people,

and i got a great hug :)

and a prom date! teehee

great stuff

a softer world: 337

it really is a wonderful place to read though-provoking phrases and look at clever pictures. i have so many favorites there are too many to list.

make me fall

i can't really decide. is it okay?

i met him once,

and i know our friends are trying to set us up,

but i can't help but feel like he's a great guy.

a little different than the last one i fell for,

in all the right ways.

(as far as i know)

so why not give it a shot? i see no reason not to-

i barely know him, but i have a feeling that will change.

and my bestie already apporoves :P

which is great.

and i think,

that just maybe,

it can work.

doesn't have to be forever,

only just for a little while,

because whenever he's around,

i can't help but smile.

--

and i hate it,

the way you make me fall

for you.

(BUT NOT REALLY I'M TOTALLY NOT THAT SERIOUS ABOUT HIM YET)