i can make excuses that are true until i'm blue in the face.

i can tell you everything.

i can listen to you say anything you want.

i can put up with your obnoxiousness.

i can listen to you complain about everything, including me.

you say we're meant to be friends,

that you can't live without me.

so stop pushing me away.

'cause anything i can do, will never be good enough.

i can try and try to make you happy,

i can try to understand how you feel

i can put aside my own predispositions and take in what you have to say

i can take every word you say, malicious or benign.

i can understand your hardships

i can see what you're trying to do

i can tell you're pushing me away

i know, that

i can't take it any longer.

you're still bitter

and i have to make it through,

and that will be much easier without you.

and btw,

he did say something about "bouncing back into a relationship"

told you so.

he just can't stand being single.

ha.

it's almost funny.

broken

i left him broken hearted. quite literally. because

i left him.

and i broke him.

it's too bad really, that he fell for me.

because that Never ends well.

it's really just best for everyone when i stay single.

and life goes on.

but not for him,

'cause he's broken inside,

bleeding from the heart,

pieces of his broken heart,

so small they could pass through the eye of a needle.

and he'll miss me like the sun misses a flower,

but me,

i'll just remember him as a person,

like everyone else in this life.

there's nothing to define,

nothing to set apart,

nothing to remember,

nothing worth noting,

nothing to miss,

nothing else to say.

and still,

he is broken.

BUT NOT FOR LONG BITCHES.

swear to god, he'll have another girlfriend in like 2 weeks.

just you watch.

funny part?

i don't even care.

i feel triumphant, free for getting rid of him.

i'm Happy to be cruising the single lane again.

i feel liberated.

i hope he's happy with someone else.

'cause i sure as hell don't want him back.

"The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person."
— Chuck Palahniuk

--

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?
(I'm not okay)

I've told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means
(I'm not okay)

But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth

I mean this, I'm okay!
(Trust Me)

phone calls

i wanna hear the voice of the almighty buddha!

ahaha. that would be an "inside joke"

that you would not understand, because obviously, you do not know Ed, who is the buddha. Unless you do know Ed, in which case you must be pretty cool. Or, if you are Ed, please know that you can ask me out anytime. anytime now...

anyway, there are some people you love because they love you. and then there are others who you love because (quite frankly) you just do and even though they don't love you back, you still love them because hey- that's how the world turns.

whichever. i need a shower.

buh bye.

ps:

Sing it out,
Boy, you got to see what tomorrow brings.
Sing it out,
Girl, you got to be what tomorrow needs.

For every time.
That they want to count you out,
Use your voice,
every single time you open up your mouth.

Sing it for the boys,
Sing it for the girls,
Every time that you lose it sing it for the world.
Sing it from the heart,
Sing it till you're nuts,
Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts.
Sing it for the deaf,
Sing it for the blind,
Sing about everyone that you left behind.
Sing it for the world,
Sing it for the world.

what happens when i

can't live this lie any longer.

sing aloud, melodies for the skies

raise your voice, let it be known

the life you lead, is what you chose

but i honestly can't keep telling you i love you, when it isn't true.

i hate myself for even letting you think i loved you.

i wish there a word like sorry, only better.

but even then, it may not be good enough.

and its true, i do love you. but i can't say it like you want me to and really, its more you're my brother or my best friend. and that's not enough to extinguish my hopes of falling in love.

paper shredder

i feel ripped apart by this nagging feeling.

i want to be single again.

i can't stand the thoughts of cheating,

and how i know that you think of me all day, and i almost never think of you.

that's why i won't tell you i love you.

even though i do.

like i said, i love you like a brother, like flowers love the sun, like how you always love your best friend like they're family.

'cause you really are one of my best friends. I can't imagine life without you. but i need you at a distance, just barely out of reach. your presence makes me feel frustrated, like i can't wait until you're gone.

when i'm walking down the hallways, i walk slow when i see you, in hopes that you won't see me. i'll take the long route, just to avoid you holding my hand.

and fuck it, i hate it.

you deserve so much more. and so many other girls have broken your heart, including me. that's right, i remember those days long past, when we were happy.

but this time, this time it isn't the same.

that best friend? the one i fell in love with? he won't even talk to me anymore.

and i have even more friends now, and they all seem so much better than you. i can't help it. really, i can't.

but, i want to make sure you understand this, it tears me to pieces thinking like this. I'm barely sleeping at night and i can't stop thinking about where i've gone wrong. about how you still manage to love me even when i'm horrible to you. i just can't stand myself. i feel like i want to die. i feel like i'm already dying inside. i can't stay away from you, but if i stay with you it will be even worse. i cannot stress enough, how much i am absolutely loathing myself for even thinking about it.

and if i lose you, because i tell you these truths, nothing will ever get better.

i will never be the same.

do you wanna

and within this little existence, lies dormant the drama instilled in us all. and for me, it's just barely beginning to surface. oh, those of male persuasion, why must you befuddle me so?

Although, a certain someone seems to be a lovely candidate. and hey- you're even better than what they said you'd be. and oh, why oh why must i be so inclined to fall for you?

do you wanna help me cheat on my boyfriend? i wouldn't mind.

i promise, i won't tell a soul.

and you, you've lips like snow and butterflies. i want to taste them.

but i love him. but i love him like a brother and i love him like flowers love the sun. but i do not want him the way i want you. and i cant help but think, how much will it hurt him when i call it off? far to much. far too much.

i'll break up with him.

delete his number from my phone.

unfriend him on facebook.

move to college.

and never have to run into him again.

because the one you love and the one who loves you, are never ever the same person.

unconditional

it has been far too long. i cannot apologize for being so sporadic, because quite honestly, no one reads this except me. and i also write it.

but i am loved. i have finally found someone who loves me for me and anything i wish to be. and the worst part is that now that i have this, i am not sure i can reciprocate the feeling.

and i wish to see colors no one has ever seen before. i daydream about at least 3 implausible things before i leave my house each morning.

i wish to see the colors that surround your heart and color your vision so you see me the way you do. because the way i see it, i see my self differently than you do.

what is love?

no, really. i must know.