Days like This

I saw your new place for the first time today. There's a spare room, and if I had the opportunity I'd take it for you. You told me you missed me. You said I should come by more often. You kissed me like it was the first time.

And I told you to stop. I told you I'm seeing someone else.
Your expression for once was an open book. I could see for just that one split second, that you hurt. And for a tiny split second, I felt good. I could hurt you just as you  hurt me.

What I didn't say was how every second I spend flirting with other guys, every moment sitting across the table from the cute guy from the gas station or the quirky friend-of-a-friend, I sit there and imagine you. What would you think of him? What if you were here, what would you say?

How can I tell you that I want you back more than anything?

You said that whoever the lucky guy was, I'd make him the happiest he'll ever be.
All I can do is close my eyes to keep from screaming. If I'm the best thing that ever happened to you, why won't you just take me back?

I just hate how much my life revolves around you, and you're not even around. I can't wait to see you again.

I told you I missed you too.
What I didn't say is how I only go out with other guys to try and take my mind off of you. Unsuccessfully.

You're always telling me how perfect I am.

I'll never be perfect without you. Do you realize that it's been 6 months and 2 days since you broke up with me? Half a year, spent thinking of no one but you. That's not even counting the month we actually dated and the month before that we spent tiptoeing around our feelings, flirting and filled with excitement.

Everyone's probably asleep by now at your place, drunk or high or both, passed out on the couch.

You're probably still up, since working 3rd shift makes you nocturnal.
I wish I knew how to save myself.

From you. For you.

You walked me out to my car, down the three flights of stairs across the parking lot in Michigan December Weather. You never do that for anyone else.
Why me?

Why do you still insist on tearing me to shreds?

But at least for a little while, I'll smell like you.

wishing

i have to stop myself from typing "i love you" at the end of a message.

i have to stop thinking about you every minute of every day.

i have to keep smiling, and tricking myself into thinking other guys are better.

i have to gather up the courage to talk to the cute guy at the gas station, because maybe he can take my mind off of you.

i have to break it off with him.
forever.
for always.

but i'm afraid that missing you will hurt worse than waiting for you.

waiting for forever is a long time though.

Let Go

just when i thought things were getting better,
you turn up again.

i've decided, that at least for now, this is going to be a letter to you.
a giant, big fat letter to you.

so i saw you today,
and yeah my heart started pounding,
and yeah i might have held my breath,
but i never had to utter your name in disbelief.
i just got up and walked away.

and you know what?
i don't think anyone else could have cared less.
you don't mean that much to the world.
to me, you still might be the world,
but that doesn't mean jack shit to you anyway.

also, i think it is okay to fall for student teachers? he can't possibly be any more than 4 years older than me, so it's not too bad.

Or that other guy. You know, the tall, built blonde football player.
I think everyone swoons at him.
I can't help it.
he's so tall and sexy,
and my oh my, is that a man and not a boy. wow.

I hope Jake goes to prom. I really think he should.
and Cole will be there :)
at first i was sad to hear that he had another date.
but i suppose there's no basis to that jealousy so i just let it go.

just like  everything else.

dance

i like friends.
people who love you sometimes because of who you are and even more often in spite of it. they aren't obligated to love you like the strained bond of blood. family.
friends help you because they can.


i want to be this person to so many people.
i don't want to be the enemy.
i've never meant to hurt anyone.

i don't really want to.
physical hurt, that can be overcome.
playful words, in jest
these are words forgotten.

heart wounds never heal the same.
ask any doctor, they'll tell you so.


so i have my friends, and i hope they know that they have me.
for my one true goal in the world is to be a friend.
not much more,
not any less.
and the shallow desires i've possessed before,
i hope i outgrow them.
because when you feel that connection,
your heart's voice sings in a deafening tone,
everything else is drowned out,
there's no turning back.

i will not look for love.
if love is right for me,
it can come hunt me down.
i will look for the best of friends,
the new friends,
the new smiles,
new faces,
new laughs,
new sighs,
new bitten tongues,
new shuffling feet,
new yawns,
new hands,
new people, with truth and beauty.

we can bring down the world, with a machine-gun giggle and a bomb made of happiness.

i feel so motivated.
i want to do art,
i want to excel,
i want to ride,
i want to fly,
i want to work,
i want to acheive.

i thought i had forgotten what those words meant,
how the burning flame of initiative burns like the sun, not a candle.

freedom.

Get OUT

there are so many ways i hate you.
i hate how everything i see, every single day is still something i relate to you.
you're just so damn unforgettable, i can't get you out of my mind.
first love
i shared my rooftop with you, my stars. i shared my music with you, my smile. i gave you everything i had.
and more.
i threw away my pride for you.
my dignity.
i let you use me at your will
and i hadn't ever felt so good, but now it's catching up to me and i can't stand anymore.
you're still so ingrained in my being

i walked into Ms. Mo's room today, and my heart stopped.
you were there, next to me, and i felt like crying.
anything to hold you once more.

you've got everyone at your fingertips
and you don't even understand
you take it for granted, how these people love the image you portray.
and that's how i hate you.

i cried again today.
not just because i'm sad your gone,
but because i'm fucking pissed that you were ever here.

just leave.

Ruins

Fuck everything.
Anger takes over, when there's room left for forgiveness.
time and time again, over and over,
i've let you get away with killing me slowly.
there are so many places i wish i would have been than where i was when we met
i knew the second we set eyes on each other that we had something different

i recall this feeling happening before, in what seemed like a different life.
time passed, and now this pull returns.

i felt like i knew you already. like you and i were pieces of a puzzle, the final two.
a pairing meant to be savored, or thrown like paper into the flames.
watch the beauty of an image fall into place,
something truly extraordinary
that only lasted for a second.

now i understand that we were never meant to be

never.
it's such a harsh word, i don't think either of us fully understand the consequences of this term.
i fell so hard for you, and had myself half-convinced that i was getting over you.
i was lying again, obviously.

we had something so beautiful, i can barely explain it.
every day around you had fire, life, truth, air.
i felt great and whole and precious.
wanted.

now i feel like the dirt we tread upon without a second's thought.

you fucking asshole, i will never forget what you've done to me.
i let myself give you every ounce of forgiveness i could muster,
and i get absolutely nothing in return.
and now, there's nothing left but anger.
you were the best and worst thing to ever happen to me.
mediocrity is far better.
i hope you rot in hell.
(because i will be there with you)

Never before have I been more worried. Or scared. Or truly conflicted.
I wake up, check the calendar. You're still you, I'm still me.
And one plus one makes three, maybe.
Where did this go wrong?
Please, please don't let me down again.
I'm begging you, if this takes a turn for the worse, you're all I have.
No one else will understand.

But you're on the train, one-way ticket to get away
There's no stopping you now
I can't pretend to miss you
Staying strong is harder in the face of fear
Being happy is impossible when you're gone


---


You're set on leaving, I know I can't stop you.
There was a time when I thought even speaking to you would set me off
There was a time when seeing you was a thing of my dreams
Now you were in my life again
You still wanted me- I know.
This struggle inside your heart, it's tearing both of us to pieces.
It kills me to say it,
but I really hope you'll leave for good.
You'll become a memory to me, a past to pack away into the recesses of my mind
you won't mean the same thing
you'll be more, yet the fact that you're gone will be final
I'll have to move on
We both knew it was coming- love like this is the stuff of fairy tales
Not real life.

Wouldnt that be a lovely way to spend your birthday? Wondering if your exgirlfriend is pregnant?
Yeah right.

Music is Love

‪The Strokes feat Regina Spektor-Modern Girls‬‏ - YouTube