every time

My Cardboard Life - Doctor Bandaid’s Heart

if only.

days

i just had a really great day!

i got to school on time,

i had a nice time in my morning classes with substitute teachers,

i got some productive art done in my painting class,

i had a lovely sandwich at lunch,

i got a chocolate frosty from Ed,

i messed around in 6th hour,

i had a great time with Seven,

i hung out with so many awesome people,

and i got a great hug :)

and a prom date! teehee

great stuff

a softer world: 337

it really is a wonderful place to read though-provoking phrases and look at clever pictures. i have so many favorites there are too many to list.

make me fall

i can't really decide. is it okay?

i met him once,

and i know our friends are trying to set us up,

but i can't help but feel like he's a great guy.

a little different than the last one i fell for,

in all the right ways.

(as far as i know)

so why not give it a shot? i see no reason not to-

i barely know him, but i have a feeling that will change.

and my bestie already apporoves :P

which is great.

and i think,

that just maybe,

it can work.

doesn't have to be forever,

only just for a little while,

because whenever he's around,

i can't help but smile.

--

and i hate it,

the way you make me fall

for you.

(BUT NOT REALLY I'M TOTALLY NOT THAT SERIOUS ABOUT HIM YET)

thick and thin

it's great to have good friends :)

the ones you can always fall back on, and the ones that can always turn to you.

i really do think it's the only thing that keeps me going sometimes.

and hanging out with them? also the best thing ever.

it's nice to be with the people you can be yourself around

to be immature

and act like you're in grade school again

and it makes me sad,

to think that i have changed so much that it's hard for me to go back to being naive and crazy

it reminds that i broke my only promise to myself,

to never forget who i am.

check out

Today's Wish List; Margo Wants a:

Vintage Pentax K1000

Polaroid One Shot

Canon Powershot SX210 is

KINDLE!!!!!!! and like 5000 books on it :P

New phone. preferable a droid? please&thanks

New mp3. preferably Zune HD 64

Pentax Optio X90

NEW LAPTOP. for reals, I got this one used 3 years ago. and it's beginning to get a bit abused (2 new hardrives and a new graphic card later) I don't even care as long as it's newer/better than what I have.

unlimited supply of music please? if only.

but in all actuality, i think the only thing i really can justify getting is the pentax x90 camera, 'cause it's the only thing i'd use every day that i can't live without right now. because at the moment, i have NO camera. at all. and it's killin me. everything else i can live with. but i needs a camera.

well, i haven't much to say past that little rant.

i'm still alive.

even if i don't want to be.

life goes on?

i suppose it does.

--

i hear this song running through my head

with lonely lyrics better left unsaid

you gotta keep on crying 'til you run out of tears

you gotta keep on trying 'til you run out of fears

and finally the beautiful escape will plan itself

no longer will you be just a picture on a shelf

overdue

i want to see if i can make it.

but i don't want to try.

this is how my brain operates, about pretty much everything.

you know; "that would be awesome! but I don't want to be the one to do it"

so i don't.

and today, i learned the one thing that has put my worries to rest.

You like me, and you like her. and i understand now, why you're never happy around me. we're never happy when we have to make a choice. and if you're down about it, then that means it's a tough decision. which means that i must mean something to you. which is the only thing keeping me going.

and apparently, when someone is having a bad day, they want you to drop everything and cheer them up. which i understand. now what if we both had bad days? and the only way to make my day better is to NOT be anywhere near you?! there's no way to win, and it's fucking impossible for you to lose, so who gets the ass end of the deal every time? who gets their whole fucking day made even worse? who gets their plans ruined? who has to deal with the fact that you're fucking bipolar with a nasty temper? who?

yeah. yours truly. now get the hell out of my life.

and people wonder why i want to move out.

great things

"Act on your impulse. Swallow the bottle. Cut a little deeper. Put the gun to your chest."

sometimes it really is just too much.

Also, this song is beautifully tragic, burdened with truth.

hey- look over there!

(and don't look at me.)

['cause i'm too broken to be seen]

for the best

I'm suicidal for you.

hurt me softly

i don't think you understand how i feel.

if you do, well then you can go fuck off because you really must not give a shit about me.

and i'd give up everything, change anything for you.

and you just think i'm some little toy.

good for a laugh now and then, a little playful flirting,

and then you just up and leave.

like it never even happened, let alone mattered.

i'm not worth anything to you.

i've written you a letter in my head.

it starts out a little like this:

Hey you :)

I think you are possibly the coolest person I've ever met.

And that's quite a compliment, 'cause I know a lot of awesome people.

And I just think you should know that I'm completely falling for you.

So please, if you feel the same at all, let me know now or forever stay silent.

Not literally, though.

If you don't feel the same, I understand that. And I want to keep you in my life as much as possible. Friends?

I'd like to think so.

Anyway, it was my honor to meet you.

(and don't let that go to your head now, okay?)

And please, don't forget me.

Sincerely,

Me

it's been a while

it sure has been a while, and a lot has happened, and i feel the need to vent.

i completely and utterly fell for ed. he seemed like perfection in my eyes. and i was told that he felt similarly. however, he barely even talks to me anymore, so that might have also been a lie.

and he told me he'd love to go places with me.

liar.

my best friend and her long-time boyfriend broke up. if they couldn't make it work, i have little faith that anyone else can.

i've been told to sell half of my life away, and i feel like giving up on all of my dreams.

i can't imagine going on. i was fully prepared to give up everything for him. i was completely head over heels, and i still get butterflies whenever i see him near me, whether i want to or not.

how can you help who you fall for? i don't think you can choose.

i feel like dying. so badly.

my whole body hurts with stress. you've got me all tied up in knots, and you don't even care.

nothing feels genuine around you right now. it did, but now nothing is the same.

fuck it. nothing will ever be the same again.

hatred

i don't wanna retake the ACTs, Mother.

I got a 27!

I thought that was really good for me.

but noooo, it's not ever gonna be good enough. nope.

and also,

i don't even wanna explain it all right now,

but i really hate you. a lot.

change

i've changed

not for myself,

but for the good of others

its my little way of trying to be selfless

and i know i can be awfully self centered sometimes!

but you, you're the one who insists that the world (and mostly me)

should change for your betterment

and i've got news for you,

its people like that whom i refuse to change for.

i thought i loved you.

boy, was i wrong.

and im so glad this is finally over.

it better stay this way.

god, i hope you read this some day and realize im talking about you.

ha.

smiles and green eyes

there’s this instant,
when I look at you and you look at me
and neither of us says a word out loud
but we both know just exactly what is meant
by that slight smile on the other’s lips

there exists a moment,
when I can’t help but glow
you wrap your arms around me
and I can’t help but wonder,
if your heart just stopped too

I’ve heard of a time,
when people fall in love
and they don’t need words or money
to express how much they need each other
but maybe, just a hug before a brief goodbye

ed.

pillowfights

movies

nerf swords

pizza

poke

rainbow cake

kitteh cat!

poke

mountain dew

pillowfight

more movies

more poking

more rainbow cake

and i think i've covered most of it.

a good night is always a good night, always was and always will be. and by the way, this is a great way to be. happy, that is. happy and tired.

and i'll sleep and i'll wake up smiling and all will be well for now.

take it one day at a time,

and it will be well for a while longer.

especially if there's more rainbow cake!