i'd tap that

this is me, filling space because i haven't much to say on a day like today.

it's cold outside.

i have now become best friends with my cheating ex who used me as a rebound and bragged about nailing me to all his friends, who subsequently spread a rumor about my alleged whoreishness. also, he's still very interested in me (and so is one of his best friends), but he has a new girlfriend now (whom said best friend is still not over either), and therefor i just get to be his friend again.

funny thing,

i do miss him a bit.

oh, also, THIS:

"what is love, if not merely an intangible imaginary currency? Because when you eliminate that portion, all that's left are letters."

okay. that's it for today.

when in doubt

you love her.

or shall i say it more clearly:

you dislike her less than me.

and it shows. you say her name, and you get this look; you smile, reminiscent, happy, then you falter, worry, because she's not around.

and i'm just not good enough to fill the gap.

but if you'd let me try, just once, please.

i'd be the best damn rebound fuck you've ever met, or will ever meet.

i'll beg and crawl and cry, just let me get to you in some way.

i'd let this be conventional, but i know you'd never be with me.

why should you have to settle for less?

why shouldn't i?

you deserve the best- and you got me instead

i wanted the best- and he walked away

i wished for you- and this is what i got instead

he wished for her- and got what he wanted

they wished for each other- and still have it

but you, you've just dug yourself a cavern in the recesses of my mind, memories of you fill the space between dreams, leaving nothing for me to wonder anymore.

you love her.

and to the rest of the world:

I MISS YOU.

even if i don't show it.

♪♪ i wish you would listen

these are like chapters, but not a book

novel.

there should be a word.

a word for the indescribable feeling,

when you think you;re lost and stuck in a story that isn't yours.

When you're lost in an alternate reality,

which isn't any different from your own.

Huddled together with those sacred memories in the back of your head,

when you know that reality television isn't as dramatic

as your own life.

and you feel totally gypped.

i mean, snookie's getting paid more than you,

and her shitty life isn't anywhere near as "realistic" as yours.

ha.

life.

who

i am.

are you?

is she?

was he?

were they?

see

you don't even know

it's like an equation with too many variables

there's no way you could possibly figure it out

like me

define for me what life is; what love is; what emotion does; what i've done. when you can do do all that and more, i will tell you who i am.

not what.

not why.

not how.

just, who.

but if you don't know who i am, you're petty opinions and pointless stance of judgement can not and will not mean a thing to me. think all you want, but do not think you know me.

and please, hang on to who you are.

never get lost in the what-where-when

listen to the how

the who.

but judge is all we do.

--

and even

though she doesn't

believe in love

he's determined

to call her bluff

who could deny

save me from this

reckless abandonment

please don't tear me down

hurt and left all those people

thinkin' word wouldn't get 'round

reflections, memories, oh so dear

now, missing what i had

couldn't my head hear?

never felt to eager

it never felt like fear

i've never wanted anything

except to keep you near

following in footsteps

made millenia before

hoping that what could have been

had meant a little more

wishing, hoping, trusting

things needed to restore

never meaning to seem like

that second-rate dumb whore

take into your heart

a lovely little lie

leaving was the worst mistake

please just let me die

and the daily song-stuck-in-my-head:

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

all those little things

this, my friend, is an apology.

this, this is sincere.

and it's all for you.

I've never meant to hurt you.

I was scared and I was Stupid and I wasn't really thinking straight. I really do hope that Some day you will be able to read this and think, "Oh, she really did love me after all." Because if there was one thing I did not lie about it was that one little thing.

But see, now I've gone and ruined me.

Cut out my heart and left it to bleed.

Oh, how I wish you could see.

I left you, that's a done deed.

But please, accept this apology.

Here's the story:

We met. We talked. We flirted.

we let our hearts dance under the stars,

we let our hopes grow and grow and grow.

we got to know each other,

we got to know ourselves.

we went places, did things.

it was normal, it was fun, it was Right.

and before we even knew it,

It was love.

and it was beautiful.

[and it is something I've given up on finding again.

Because I know, I never will.]

and that scared me.

I was timid and childish and immature

afraid of rejection from all the wrong angles.

I thought I would keep living after that

I thought we went wrong

I thought my reality was twisted, and that nothing could save us. I thought that my world was crashing down on me and that this was a cruel, wicked trick and that none of it actually mattered and that everything was just a big fat lie and that you didn't really love me and that it was a hoax and that you'd never forgive me for what I had or hadn't done and that that one time at summer camp might actually change your fucking mind.

So, in the bitchiest way possible, I tore you down.

Via text message.

And then it was gone.

and time and a half later, nothing has changed. We still never talk, even if we want to.

Mutual friends can't even help.

I'd ask where we went wrong, but I know.

I'm full of insecurity.

Don't give me your heart, don't give me your hope.

I don't believe in love.

i'm holding on, but when will you let go?

I won't pray to a god that doesn't exist. But I will pray to you, because hey- if you're reading this, you're alive. You exist. And you can do just as much about my wishes as anyone else. Which is not at all. So really, I'm just spewing words.

I don't think I love you.

I don't think I'll ever love anybody.

I don't think I'm capable of love.

But if I was, there's only two people I'd want to love. And you're one of them. One of the ones that I so dearly hope for.

AND YOU NEED TO STOP BEING SO VAGUE.

sorry. that was bothering me. because really, you're never clear about much of anything.

Just this once, answer me.

Tell me what and tell me why.

Will you let me hope?

a mon avie

oh, with what wonder will you watch my demise?

'Cause really, that's all you're good for.

And you, you're stuck on the precipice of sanity, with nowhere to go but down.

I told you, and I told you, and I made it quite clear.

Yet, it seems I may not have been clear enough.

I do not believe, and nothing (NOTHING) you say will change that.

Especially not you. Ha.

I don't want you to hold me,

I don't want you to pray,

this is bigger than us.

So you're stuck on me, but dating her, and I'm irrevocably stuck on him. He is hung up on her, but missing the other her, and I'm still looking at my best friend, wanting more.

"Hi, Welcome to Unrequited airlines; please fasten your seatbelt, keep all emotions and opnions inside your head at all times, and please enjoy the ride as much as you can before you kill yourself out of frustration"

yeah, thanks for the heads up, bitch.

and so i'm stuck here, holding on for dear life, and i just want to let go and give up and give in, but for some reason i'm just a sick masochist who wants to encapsulate herself in heartbreak.

//Will you love me?

If not forever than just for today,

I promise to try and get better.

'Cause I know now, Love is all the matters//

funny., when i first head that song, i could have sworn she said love is not the answer...

i don't want your love. i just want you to notice, and maybe care. just a little. because for some reason, you mean the world to me.

And I'm not ashamed of that.

Go on, tell me your name. And I'll say I care about you, and I'll mean it. Because right now, if you're still reading this post, you understand. And I care about you, because You get it.

and that's all i've ever wanted.

then why do i always fuck it up?