alive or not

updates! whoo hoo.

i've gotten my first major commission, it's a painting and i love it and love the fact that i'm getting paid even more.

i've been rejected by a longtime friend, but friends we shall remain. i can make that happen, it will be fine. but that doesn't mean it hurts any less.

i can't imagine life without this one friend of mine, it just doesn't compute. but it's so unfortunately true, that i think he doesn't know. because let's face it, they never do.

and i've got such the mixed emotions about this one guy. he's funny, he's got personality, he's confident, he's into music, he's got the best friends, he knows how to make me smile, and he just has this way of making everything seem far less prevalent. he's also a bit overenthusiastic at times, and a tad clingy, and his smile could be straighter.

but when you've got your grasp on a good thing, you should never let it go.

--

parachute.

its not the same. when you get in that mindset,

that "i'm on a mission and no one can stop me"- and then

right before you're about to say your piece

(ie hey- i like you, please say you feel the same)

they come out and say it outright that they only like

you as a friend, nothing more.

its like a shot in the heart.

and i had worked so hard to get there,

just to have it all end.

and the smeared glare of those taillights faded, as you left the rest behind.

taking happiness with you and stealing the hope from my mind.

fate has cast its shadow, leaving only envy behind.

and then,

he got this smile on his face, i guess they had done this before.

enter at an awkward time

i have deduced on thing.

the world, yes the WHOLE world, is about this big <------------>

yep, that's to scale.

because everything and everyone is so interconnected.

that's all.

oh, how wonderful

Happy Early Valentines Day, world! I hope you enjoy it. also, happy birthday to my ex and one of my best friendlies.

and i can't believe i just agreed to go out with him! but it does make me happy, world. it makes me smile. and really, what more do i need right now? nothin'

guess what?

dear best friend,

the memories will never fade, i know.

but i have to get over you somehow.

i hate that feeling, when you get rejected by the one person you know could fit right into your heart. but i will not let it show, how highly i think of you. i won't let know how much you make me hurt. every time i'm around you, it hurts. its painful to know that you will never feel the same. and a small part of me tries to yell "maybe he's the same as you! maybe he's trying to hide it, for your sake. and maybe that little voice of his is wrong." but i can't let myself get my hopes up again. i just can't handle it. sitting through the trobbing while we hang out is like a papercut compared to the bullethole a real rejection would be. you're my best friend, i need you in any form i can get.

and now that he's single again, i want to feel wanted. he still loves me, i know. and i always want to ask, is it better to love and be loved, or to be in love with your soulmate? tough question for me. but it feels so good, when he's around me. he wants me the way i am. he loves the way i smile and he's addicted to me. who's to say no to that?

not me.

but still, without you i'll be miserable at best.

sincerely,

margo

--

But the nights can't hide the days
That the tears roll down her face
And the light hits those eyes
As she's dying to say
Just take me away

Well l through fog that sits like blankets
And that's drowning out the glow
You can hear voices loud
And sing out a song nobody knows
But to her it sounds like home

But the nights can't hide the days
That the tears roll down her face

And the light hits those eyes
As she's dying to say
Just take me away from all that I am

when will memories of you fade?

your presence fills my senses.

memories of you seem like yesterday.

i want them to seem like faded dreams.

i can't get you out of my head.

and today, today did not end how i wanted it to.

you beat me to the punch, and left me bleeding on the floor.

no,

you don't like me that way.

because i'm one of your best friends.

and you don't feel the way i do.

i want you.

all of you

and you even admit it! you say that i'm different than other girls. you say that you don't what to talk about with girls, except me. you don't know how to act around girls, except me. you don't hang out with many girls, except me. your other ladyfriends have no idea where you live. i drive there once a week.

I AM THE EXCEPTION

can't you see? can't you feel it? am i crazy?

i must be crazy. i fell in love with the idea of you. i could picture you in every aspect of my life. i knew exactly why i liked you and i still do. because nothing has really changed, save for the fact that you ripped out my heart and stepped on it. unknowingly.

so riddle me this: who else is there? am i not good enough? why am i being locked in the friend zone?

i just want you to hug me and hold me and tell it will be okay. tell me that you didn't mean it, that you didn't say how you really felt.

another funny thing: we fit together so well. you couldn't lie to save your life, i lie daily to save my ass. we're in the same boat, with different stories to tell, and different views on things, but we sail under the same flags and we know each other.

i should have just told you right there, right then. because i don't know how anything could be harder than what i feel right now.

----

I feel your heart cry for love,
Then you act like there's no room.
Room for me, or anyone,
"Don't disturb" is all I see.
Close the door, turn the key,
On everything that we could be.
If loneliness would move out,
I'd fill the vacancy.

love me not? love me dead.

if these words could speak like lips to you, my ears would have better things to do, than listen in and fake a grin, as listeners start leaving too.

hey, whats up?

not much. you?

same. been bored all day.

oh, srry. i hate that.

you should come over.

yeah?

like, now.

sorry, but im with my twinner.

oh... too bad

yeah. rain check?

sure. lol

but see that! he instigated the whole conversation. like, maybe he actually likes the attention? its crazy, i know. but at least, maybe, i can hope. just a little bit.

snowpocalypse

blizzard of the century!

everyone's talking about it!

snow everywhere!

ohmygoodnesswe'reallgoingtodie.

just kidding,

if you thought i was going to be petty enough to stoop to discussing the weather, you are not really catching on to this whole shindig.

also, have i mentioned that i am so sick, that i cannot speak?

'cause i am.

sick, that is.

also, there's this old adage, you've probably heard it: healthy as a horse.

i mean- come on now! that's pretty much an oxymoron. horses need an excruciating amount of upkeep, and even then they still come up sick or sore or lame or what have you.

farrier every six weeks, shoes all around with rubber pads and fancy studs, scheduled intervals for administering deworming pastes, always making sure they have water, water with electrolytes, mineral salt blocks, carefully measured and observed dieting plans, perfectly manicured pastures,yearly vaccinations (that AREN'T cheap), supplemental dietary needs, joint health medication, daily grooming (including the application of different soothing gels and everything) along with meticulously monitored cardio conditions and all possible measures are always taken to ensure each horse is properly warmed up, worked out, and cooled down.

and then they still decide to start limping. with no apparent cause or reason.

horses are not inherently healthy. get it right, world.