it's getting easier. slowly but surely, it is becoming easier to separate myself and the love i feel from him. it's more like i'm in love with this idea, this figment of my memory, loving this person i know and used to have.
and now he's just around.
a nice little fling now and then.
i've forced myself to see him as just a person.
nothing more.
and it's getting easier. one day at a time.

After: Hate

Rent?!
you want me to pay you fucking RENT?
okay, mother.
have it your way.
i really thought we were getting over this,
getting to know each other better,
doing better.

i guess i'm wrong again.

and i guess i really just am an awful person.
unreliable
irresponsible
self-centered
bitchy
lazy
unmotivated
the list goes on.
and it's all true.
so why am i still here?
what do i have to offer the world?
nothing.
so why am i still here...

After: Love

“Any experience in love is a good one. It doesn’t matter if it works out, or if you were 12 or 18 or 30 or 60, what matters is that it happened. Each time you experience something like it, even if it isn’t love, but just dating – it is experience that will help you for the time you truly do fall in love. If you spend your high school days randomly dating guys, more power to you, when the guy you love comes along and you want him – you’ll know how to get his attention and how to fall in love safely. It sucks falling in love with someone and not knowing what to do about it. And even if you fall in love like I have and are hurt afterwards, just remember the good parts – I know that there are alot of sad bits, and that they will remain with me for a long time, but I know that the happy parts will last longer, and that I can live my life knowing that I have those happy parts still at rest in my heart.” ~Mr. Fox

After: reset button?

3 little words. not too bad right?

friends with benefits.

yeah, you're all groaning and shaking your heads. Never gonna read this blog again because the silly bitch can't say to no to her ex. oh well. i write this for me, unlike some. ( iwrotethisforyou.me )
but its good to feel loved.

so i'll take this while i can.

After: the letter

I've written this a million times in my head, maybe it will help a little if I put it down in words.

Dear Cody,
I never believed in love. That kind you read about in stories, two star-crossed lovers falling for each at first sight.
'Cause that's bullshit.
I met you, and you were pretty cool. Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future. You had a past, and I never held it against you. You, in turn, let me in. I was able to see myself better. I looked in the mirror each morning and saw a pretty face. I put on my clothes and felt great. Not imperfect or ugly, great.
I have no idea how you and your asshole "I'm better than everyone else" attitude managed that, but it's true.
This isn't a love story. This is a tale of two people, who weren't meant to be.
I understand if you don't want me back. Okay, I take that back. I don't understand at all- but if that's your choice then so be it, I  won't change your mind.
Life won't be quite the same for me without you in it.
And I'd do anything to have you back, if you'll have me. I'm desperate to feel whole again.
Love,
Jaci

After: day 28

you've got me all tied up in knots.
you tell me you regret it, you really really do.
and what am i supposed to say to that?

-waking up on the couch again, bedrooms haunt me now
reflections in a dormant television,
hair soft and messy, eyes red from everything to do with you
in those glimmering last seconds of dreamstate,
i can almost see you shuffle down the hall towards me,
a yawn and a smile, words can never say hello so well
my head's still spinning, sick can't even describe
you'd tell me i'm beautiful anyway
for once i'd believe you
blink, and the dreams are gone.
you're gone.
i'm gone, wasting away without you-

i keep telling myself that i'd do anything to get you back- because i know that's truth
i keep telling myself i'm getting over you- because i'm still trying to convince myself
i keep waiting for the call that will save me from myself- knowing it will never come
i keep wishing you'll be mine again- wishing because i refuse to give up hope

I'm sitting in the little room 
watching you pretend that you don't love me like you used to
I can see the lies inside your eyes, I cry 
cause I can't forget all the things that we've been through

When the walls come crumbling down
Dust replaces the magic that we found

What if I told you that once I leave I let go
Would you believe that I am stronger than you know

You wished it away now I can't stay

Remember in the little room 
the time we thought we had something special no one else had
Well I don't understand how something so good, 
something so good can turn out so bad

I know it hurts you even though you can't show it
I had to knock you down or I would have never known it

You wished it away now I can't stay

I miss you
I hate the way you've made me hate you
You couldn't say "stay" 
Why can't I move on?


if i were to ask just once more, to take it back, would you listen?
if i asked just once, to try
just once, let a second chance take you by surprise
let me take you back
let me live- because without you i don't know what breathing means

After: the day I gave in

i'd walk a thousand miles, fly higher than the clouds, swim across the ocean, or stay away forever, if only you told me to. but no matter how far away we stay, i'll never forget you.

After: day 17

i like forgetting sunscreen the way i like flirting with you.
burning skin, like burning hearts, hurt well.

After: day 16

i was just thinking, about how for that whole day saturday, i was able to forget. and it wasn't hard with him around. we laughed and smiled and had the time of our life. sure, there's an age difference. what does that matter anyway? it's just a number.

sometimes i guess you don't need a lover or a novelty, you just need a friend. a new face, new voice, new cologne lingering on his clothes. and just like that, i smile. who knew that the one i loved the most would be the easiest to get over? i can't believe i'm saying it, but it's oddly true.

the more i love him, the more i know he'll be better without me.

After: day 11

you were the beautiful beginning to my unfortunate end.

please, i've been begging for an epilogue.

i would love nothing more, than to be with you again. even for only one day, hour, minute- it would be the best of my life.

but the truth is, [and what scares me most] that i am probably kind of most likely getting over you. and i can't stand the idea of such a thing. you were my world. were....

After: day 10

I promise that I won't forget you 
These photographs remind me of more than a beautiful face 
I swear the pictures of us 
Won't lay around the table collecting dust 
I hold them close enough to feel your touch 

The seasons may change but your colors won't fade to gray 
My feelings will stay the same 

When tomorrow means goodbye 
I'll hope that you'll hold on to yesterday 
When tomorrow comes don't cry 
Let the memories we share survive the pain 

I promise that I won't regret you 
Everything that I have is yours to take away 
No I'm not bitter just frustrated 
By the miles that could separate us 
Along the roads we take to readjust 

The distance may change but if tomorrow comes and takes you away 
my feelings will stay the same 

When tomorrow means goodbye 
I'll hope that you'll hold onto yesterday 
When tomorrow comes don't cry 
Let the memories we share survive the pain 

Always remember that I'm not far away 
And if tomorrow takes you away 
My feelings will stay the same 

When tomorrow means goodbye 
I'll hope that you'll hold onto yesterday 
When tomorrow comes don't cry 
Let the memories we share survive the pain 

When tomorrow means goodbye 
I'll hope that you'll hold onto yesterday 
When tomorrow comes don't cry 
Hold on... 

After: day 7

a week. a week of everything horrible.

i really am the worst person i know, aren't i?

i'm too scared of responsibility to even hold a job.

i'm too scared of my parents to let them near me.

i'm too scared of outside chances to tell the truth.

i'm just a big fucking coward.

no wonder he left me.

but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

and everything i've ever dreamed of, will have to stay in my dreams.

the real world is too difficult to handle.

and i just want to give up.

it's not that hard to drive into the opposite lane on the highway.

it's not that hard to swallow all the pills.

it's not that hard to pull the trigger.

and go into the dark, one last time.