paper shredder

i feel ripped apart by this nagging feeling.

i want to be single again.

i can't stand the thoughts of cheating,

and how i know that you think of me all day, and i almost never think of you.

that's why i won't tell you i love you.

even though i do.

like i said, i love you like a brother, like flowers love the sun, like how you always love your best friend like they're family.

'cause you really are one of my best friends. I can't imagine life without you. but i need you at a distance, just barely out of reach. your presence makes me feel frustrated, like i can't wait until you're gone.

when i'm walking down the hallways, i walk slow when i see you, in hopes that you won't see me. i'll take the long route, just to avoid you holding my hand.

and fuck it, i hate it.

you deserve so much more. and so many other girls have broken your heart, including me. that's right, i remember those days long past, when we were happy.

but this time, this time it isn't the same.

that best friend? the one i fell in love with? he won't even talk to me anymore.

and i have even more friends now, and they all seem so much better than you. i can't help it. really, i can't.

but, i want to make sure you understand this, it tears me to pieces thinking like this. I'm barely sleeping at night and i can't stop thinking about where i've gone wrong. about how you still manage to love me even when i'm horrible to you. i just can't stand myself. i feel like i want to die. i feel like i'm already dying inside. i can't stay away from you, but if i stay with you it will be even worse. i cannot stress enough, how much i am absolutely loathing myself for even thinking about it.

and if i lose you, because i tell you these truths, nothing will ever get better.

i will never be the same.