utter heartbreak

fuck.

goddammit, Cody. i was fucking head over heels for you. trying with every given moment to spend more time with you. trying to win you over half as much as you've captured me. and you don't even realize it. and now i have to hear from someone else that you're moving away for good in 3 weeks?

right on prom night?

the very same prom that i went to with a date that i hate just to make a friend happy. the very same prom i wish i could have been with you for. and i fell for every little thing you did. your smile, the hugs and the laughter, the sweet little chats, flirting just for fun. and you're crazy, and a little bit hard to handle at times, but i swear you're perfect for me. and now my heart's half broken because you're gonna leave me here.

and you haven't even told me yet.

and now i have to keep on going pretending that everything's still okay because i'm not supposed to know about it yet. and i thought we'd have all summer, and you promised me we'd hang out and go places and now we only have 3 weeks. and you act like it's all okay.

like i'm not in love with you.

like i wouldn't have done anything for you to have kissed me last night. and i have to tell you all of this. because i fucking will not let you leave without at least knowing this. and i'm still dying inside. part of it hasn't hit me yet, the fact that you won't be around. and i don't know what i'm going to do.

i can't promise anything,

'cause i know i'm gonna do stupid things to try and get over you. and they won't work. i nearly killed myself when you stopped talking to me a short while back, but you were still around and present. and now... now everything's changing and i can't hold on anymore. i need you. without you here i think i might as well just wither away and hope one day i might see you again.

just once more.

and i will hope and dream that before you leave, you understand how i feel about you. and that you maybe will at least feel bad for me, if not the same. and that you might leave me with at least a kiss. and i will never want to love again.

i can feel a hole ripping open inside of me. the empty feeling. and what hurts the worst is knowing that this is only the beginning, because after you leave, i will die. i will from the inside out and become a broken shell of a girl that wants nothing more than you and your friendship. nothing more. nothing.

i still can't fucking believe it. you're gonna be gone. and not gone like the last one, 'cause he's still around and sometimes i see his car and let slip a sad smile, but this is different. you're going to be gone for good. and that means i will break more than before, and i will snap. i will snap and leave the world with nothing but a memory of me.

but if you're going to happy away from here, i suppose it's okay. as long as you're happy, i keep on a pretty face and trudge on. 'cause i'm not gonna be selfish and wish you all my pain just so you'll remember me. even though it would be nice, i won't be selfish just for you. 'cause in my eyes, you're worth it. i never thought you'd be the guy for me, but it wasn't long before i realized that it almost couldn't be anyone else. because quite frankly, you are beautiful. you are beautiful on the inside and out. each flaw makes you shine with a light some people can't see. each little thing you hate about yourself only makes me want you more. and i hate it. i hate how you make me love you without even trying.

and you don't even have the guts to tell me yet.

i still need you. please

--

because when you put your arms around me, i'm home.

--

i know i can’t take one more step towards you
cause all thats waiting is regret
don’t you know i’m not your ghost anymore
you lost the love i loved the most
i learned to live, half alive

--

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky
'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
If I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you